Let's Talk About Seasons: Springing Back to Life

When in conversations people ask me what my favourite season is (who asks this kind of questions?!), I always say it's fall. I would say summer but I feel like it's a given, yah know. While I think of autumn as beautiful and serene, and summer fun and bright, I think of spring as just a season with lots of rain. I become very impatient pa when it's spring and would say, "Can we just get to summer na?! I need more sunlight!" or "I'm tired of wearing jeans or having to layer! I wanna start wearing dresses already, because I'm born to wear them!" (What a drama queen, noh? ;P)

Never in my life would I have thought of spring as special until this year. 

Let me go back a few pages and describe how my winter was like... actually, how the latter part of 2016 was like for me. Not everybody knows that last year I had to deal with a breakup, which I've successfully moved on from already (happy to report), but there was a LOT of reflection -- meaning thinking about how to proceed and asking God and myself a lot of questions that happened after it. I started going out on dates again, and even dating (which people say should be fun) causes me to overthink too. Typical Ms. Perfectionist Thessa problems (I should create my own hashtag for this). ;)

And I thought entering the new year would change things, but then I got sick back-to-back-to-back! First, I slipped and fell on the ice, which was awful. (No broken bones or sprains - thank God - but it did hurt!) And then my gastrointestinal issues came back (note that I haven't fully recovered from my fall yet when this happened) and made me suffer for a month or so. And then a few weeks ago, I started having dizzy spells (which again praise God has gone away now)! 

There has been a lot going on at both my full-time and freelance jobs too (mostly good things!) that required (and still require) more mental capacity from me than usual, that even time after work and weekends are being spent thinking about it and what my next steps will be. My head is racing with ideas and it's hard to shut it down these days.

So you see, I was overstretched. Overwhelmed. Mostly mentally, but I do know that when this happens, my physical and emotional well-being would follow. On a spiritual aspect, which is most important above all for me, I felt dryness as well -- especially that I work in an industry that doesn't really nourish spiritually. With so many things happening, it's no surprise that my spirit/soul would suffer a little too. I would always find myself in my room praying and calling out, "God, knock knock! Are you listening to me? I don't feel a connection. It's a bit choppy po." (I felt this way during my first few years in Canada too, but that's another story to tell.) 

At the beginning of the year, I only had one main goal. I usually would list down 10 or more than that -- but this year I chose one goal (of course, it comes with sub-goals), and it is to be more confident about who I am. I often forget that I worked so hard to build my character and the person I am today that I felt that, even if I still fail at many things sometimes, I need to be more comfortable and confident about myself and that I'm where I'm supposed to be. I started valuing modesty more after graduating from university and even if it's a good thing, I think it became too much that I don't feel confident sometimes anymore. So I felt the need to gain back that good balance. I live a full life (thanks to my work friend Christine for pointing that out during one of our conversations) and it takes a lot to live a full and happy life despite imperfections. It takes a lot of hard work to be more virtuous in this modern world too -- so I want to just take a little bit of break from looking at what I can improve next or how to achieve my next big goal in life -- and just savour my personal victories a little bit and be proud of them! I think many people in their twenties experience the same struggles, always focusing on the next blessing. We get filled with worries about the future because we feel like we're running out of time (nothing scares me more than feeling that I'm about to miss a deadline), instead of trusting the different seasons of our lives and knowing that people have different harvest seasons.

During Lent, I was mostly sick, so as much as I wanted to reflect on life, I was mostly focused on how I will get better. I was at my wit's end already about getting sick. But Easter came and we attended mass in New York and I still clearly remember the gospel that day, which says, "Get rid of old yeast, so you can be a fresh batch of dough." Very simple (and nakakatakam) passage yet so profoundly beautiful. It's perfect timing, too, that we Christians celebrate Easter right after spring begins. To me, both symbolize renewal and I feel that's where I am at right now, even if I have to take a step back and pause for a little bit. I can't say that I am a completely clean slate again, but I do feel that I'm in the season of renewal once again -- of springing back to life and it feels good! :)


Note: Just to share, I already finished writing this post a few days ago and saved it for publishing and I don't know what happened but everything disappeared when I opened the file again! I could have felt frustrated and start pulling my hair (because writing is no easy task), but words just started flowing -- which wasn't happening to me the past few months (as you noticed that it took a while for me to post again) -- when I re-wrote this. And it turned to be way better than my first draft! Hope you enjoy reading this blog post! I wanna share some early Spring photos as well to show how I am celebrating the specialness of this season!

So I get to wear a dress again, while partying with my mom:

Checked off a few things from my bucket list by trying suspension yoga (and even getting to try surfboard yoga with Christine)...

...and attending a Beyonce dance class with Rica and Noemi! Warning: DO NOT try Beyography if you think you're too old na for hair whipping and twerking. HAHAHA! There's a reason why Bey is queen!

Went to see a naturopathic doctor (yay to holistic healing!) to talk cure for my digestive issues and other health worries (will write another blog post about it). Because health is wealth!

And of course, spent time with my family by taking an out-of-town trip! :)